one night to be confused

Finally, I am really beginning to “feel” pregnant. Not that the ten straight weeks of nausea didn’t remind me every single second of the day, but there’s something different now. It’s kind of hard to put my finger on it.

As I mentioned a few posts back, I think that my center of gravity has begun to shift and I feel like I walk differently. (Or maybe that’s just because I’m not particularly concerned about sucking in my stomach these days, as I normally do!) It seems strange that such a small growth (the baby only weighs about 1/4 pound) could cause noticeable changes in my body, but I think that I am very tuned in to the minutest of differences now.

Also, I finally have that firm stomach I’ve always wanted! Of course, it’s just my uterus pushing out against my abdomen, but still! When I press my belly it feels quite firm now. Again, I’m really only at the start of the “showing” stage but it’s kind of thrilling. A few people have told me that it’s becoming obvious that I am pregnant.

A lot of my regular pants are becoming a bit snug, especially when I sit down, so I have bought a few pairs of maternity pants. They are infinitely more comfortable!

I don’t quite feel connected with my baby, as a person, yet. I know something is in there, I have seen him move on ultrasounds, I have seen a heartbeat and little fingers and toes, but despite all the changes I’m experiencing with my body, the baby still seems largely conceptual at this point. Part of me still worries about miscarriage. I guess at this stage it’s probably called stillbirth. Maybe that’s holding me back emotionally. I hope that soon I can start to feel more attached, because I wonder if I’m missing out on something important. I feel like every time I listen to music, I should be thinking about my baby hearing it too. I feel like every time I eat something, I should think “there’s some nice fruit and protein for you, little baby!” But I don’t. Am I selfish? Am I too focused on the physical changes to my body and not thinking enough about the actual baby in there?

I don’t know.

Sometimes I’ll go for hours at a stretch without even thinking about the pregnancy or the baby. It’s like I’ve forgotten about it. That really really gets to me, because one of my biggest fears in life is that I will forget to take care of something important that is depending on me, with terrible consequences. I have dreams about this kind of thing all the time.

I guess I should mention at this point that we know it is a boy. That was a bit of a shock to us, since all this time we have thought that we wanted a girl. So now we’re trying to wrap our brain around that, and come up with names. We had the perfect girl’s name picked out, but nothing yet for a boy! Everyone has been offering us suggestions; I guess that people like to come up with baby names or something. I think it will be hard to find something that we really like, but we’ll get there. We have a lot of time.

4 Comments

  1. Silvershoes

    Don’t worry about the connection thing! It will happen. There is no “right” way to come to it. I know one person who didn’t really feel connected with her baby until a few weeks after it was born!

    As for me, I had a lot of similar experiences with “forgetting” about the pregnancy. That is, until I started to feel her move every day. Have you felt any movements yet? For me it started very slowly – I would only feel her every few days. It felt, of course, really strange at first, but now (to my surprise) it feels very normal to have someone kicking me from the inside. It’s also made a big difference with my feelings of connection.

    You are not selfish to not think of the baby every second. You are normal. You have to take care of yourself (and your appetite) in order to take care of him! You are a person, not a baby-making machine (although sometimes it might feel that way).

  2. Sara

    First of all, however YOU feel is the normal, right thing to feel. There’s nothing that says you must feel a certain way about your baby before he’s born. Pregnancy, birth and post-partum are crazy up and down emotional rollercoaster rides! Just hang on tight and enjoy the ride.

    If you haven’t already, you will probably start to feel movement at around 20 weeks. With my first it was at 19 weeks. You might have already experienced the fluttering sensations of your baby moving but mistook it for gas or a grumbly tummy. Anyway, CONGRATULATIONS on your baby boy! WHOOt! Boys are WONDERFUL. I am very excited for you, Katy!

  3. Rachel

    I had a feeling it was a boy. Darn, guess the name Rachel has been taken out of the running, huh? Just remember, kid has to live with whatever name you give him for his entire life or until he asks Auntie Rachel to change it, whichever. 😉

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