Three words: Heirloom Dishwashing Liquid. This fine specimen of liquified soap, with which one might cleanse the scum and villainy off of one's dishes – indeed, both fine china AND...
one night to be confused
Finally, I am really beginning to “feel” pregnant. Not that the ten straight weeks of nausea didn’t remind me every single second of the day, but there’s something different now. It’s kind of hard to put my finger on it.
As I mentioned a few posts back, I think that my center of gravity has begun to shift and I feel like I walk differently. (Or maybe that’s just because I’m not particularly concerned about sucking in my stomach these days, as I normally do!) It seems strange that such a small growth (the baby only weighs about 1/4 pound) could cause noticeable changes in my body, but I think that I am very tuned in to the minutest of differences now.
Also, I finally have that firm stomach I’ve always wanted! Of course, it’s just my uterus pushing out against my abdomen, but still! When I press my belly it feels quite firm now. Again, I’m really only at the start of the “showing” stage but it’s kind of thrilling. A few people have told me that it’s becoming obvious that I am pregnant.
A lot of my regular pants are becoming a bit snug, especially when I sit down, so I have bought a few pairs of maternity pants. They are infinitely more comfortable!
I don’t quite feel connected with my baby, as a person, yet. I know something is in there, I have seen him move on ultrasounds, I have seen a heartbeat and little fingers and toes, but despite all the changes I’m experiencing with my body, the baby still seems largely conceptual at this point. Part of me still worries about miscarriage. I guess at this stage it’s probably called stillbirth. Maybe that’s holding me back emotionally. I hope that soon I can start to feel more attached, because I wonder if I’m missing out on something important. I feel like every time I listen to music, I should be thinking about my baby hearing it too. I feel like every time I eat something, I should think “there’s some nice fruit and protein for you, little baby!” But I don’t. Am I selfish? Am I too focused on the physical changes to my body and not thinking enough about the actual baby in there?
I don’t know.
Sometimes I’ll go for hours at a stretch without even thinking about the pregnancy or the baby. It’s like I’ve forgotten about it. That really really gets to me, because one of my biggest fears in life is that I will forget to take care of something important that is depending on me, with terrible consequences. I have dreams about this kind of thing all the time.
I guess I should mention at this point that we know it is a boy. That was a bit of a shock to us, since all this time we have thought that we wanted a girl. So now we’re trying to wrap our brain around that, and come up with names. We had the perfect girl’s name picked out, but nothing yet for a boy! Everyone has been offering us suggestions; I guess that people like to come up with baby names or something. I think it will be hard to find something that we really like, but we’ll get there. We have a lot of time.