It doesn’t feel like bravery.

A few people have told me that they were surprised that I was able to write in such detail about my miscarriage, only a few hours after it happened. Yvonne said I was brave. I’m not sure that’s what it is though.

I kind of surprised myself by writing about it so soon. But I was already starting to forget details, and I really wanted to remember the details. And, I guess, by posting them here, I wanted other people to be able to know what it was really like to go through a miscarriage at almost 12 weeks.

And honestly, writing about it was cathartic. I cried a lot while typing, but I felt a little better afterwards. I don’t want to hide what happened.

Before this, I thought that a miscarriage was something that usually happened at home, and was not a big deal physically and was over quickly. And maybe if you’re not as far along as I was, that is closer to the truth. I was just so shocked at how physically traumatic it was. I thought I was dying. I have never seen Doc look so frightened. I was bleeding so much and it didn’t seem like it was going to stop.

I just wish I’d known ahead of time that miscarriages at this point in a pregnancy are very very scary and painful and you generally end up in the hospital. Even now, Googling “what does a miscarriage feel like” gets you very vague results. Why does nobody talk about this?

I hope that nobody was upset by the detail that I went into. I know it seems very personal — and it is. It’s extremely personal, but it’s not something I’m ashamed of. I really truly hope that if anyone reads my account of my experience and then, god forbid, has to go through a similar experience, maybe what I’ve written will help her to not be so frightened and to know that the pain and disorientation and blood loss are normal. An emergency, still… but normal.

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